Our God is not a God of percentages: a glimpse into our story of becoming parents.

I remember walking out of the reproductive endocrinologist's clinic willing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Somehow my legs were unimaginably heavy and yet simultaneously felt like they were made of jello. 

Just get to the car. 

 My husband and I got into the car and at the moment the car door shut, the tears came.  It was as if the sound of the door closing was the audible closing on my dream to bear children.

My husband and I had been married just shy of a year.  We had agreed on the advice of my doctor to have simple blood work done after we had been unsuccessful at getting pregnant on our own after 8months.  Unfortunately the numbers that came back were less than favorable and somewhat confusing to my doctor.  She recommended we see a reproductive endocrinologist to have everything checked out.

We were concerned, but honestly, not worried.  I have lived long enough to know that not every couple gets to just pick what day they'd like to conceive and voila! baby is made.  So we made the appointment, planning on learning a little more, maybe having to do further tests or take some medications to achieve pregnancy.  We had even thought through the possibility of having to continue on with other technology assisted options to help us conceive.  So I have to say, as weird as it sounds now, we weren't nervous to see this specialist; we maybe were even a little excited.  We thought this visit would give us a better picture of the path to parenthood.

After a conference with the doctor where she used words like "terrible" and "not good at all" when looking at the results of my tests, she decided that one final test needed to be done.  Following this test, with my husband at my side and a woman I had never met before standing over me, we were given news we never dreamed we'd hear.

"You have less than a 5% chance of ever conceiving a child.  And, in fact, if you were to conceive you'll have an 80% chance of miscarriage.  So truthfully, you have less than a 1% chance of ever having a child.  I'm sorry.  And honestly, there's nothing I can do to help you.  There are no medications or interventions that can help with this."

And that was that.  I started to choke up as she was finishing her discussion on the hopelessness of our situation.  She gave me a quick hug and said I know this isn't what you wanted to hear as she walked out the door.  My  husband held me as I sobbed.  I quickly collected myself, wanting to get out of this sterile place as quickly as I could.

So there we sat in our car, utterly shocked.  Trying to process something  that felt so incomprehensible.  In God's goodness, we had already had a four day weekend scheduled to celebrate our upcoming 1st anniversary.  We decided the get away would be good for us, maybe now more than ever.  So after shifting our mindset from an exciting and adventurous celebration trip into a quiet retreat for grieving and healing, we began to drive. The drive time was healing.  We had plenty of time to cry, feel the waves of pain, air our frustrations, anger and confusion and to pray.  Oh how we prayed.  We called a few close friends and family members and asked them to pray for peace for our hearts and a miracle baby.

Over the next few days God gave us such peace.  We wrestled through much, carried the heaviness and sorrow of  what could be, but ultimately knew God had a plan and it was a good plan.  We have both always wanted to grow our family through adoption at some point, so it wasn't hard to imagine starting this process, though it was sooner than we'd expected, and now felt laced with a sadness I wished wasn't there.

At one point, my husband encouraged me with a truth that God had given him.  "I know this doctor  gave us percentages that feel  hopeless, but Jess, our God is not a God of percentages.  With God it either is or it isn't.  If God wants you to carry a child, you will. 100%.   If it's God's will for us to have a child, we will without a doubt. End of discussion. And if that's not God's plan for us, than it wouldn't matter what any doctor said or did, you won't ever carry a child.  No human gets to decide what our odds are of anything.  Let alone something so miraculous as life.  Our having a child or not having a child is not in the hands of a specialist; our children are in the hands of God, and that's exactly where we want them to be."

Amen and amen.

I love the faithfulness of God to give us little nuggets of truth that are absolutely, in every way, life giving.

Today, as I am typing this, this beautiful life that is growing inside of me is wriggling and rolling around and I can't stop crying.

I am so unbelievably grateful for this precious indescribable gift from God.

I am grateful to experience the miracle of life growing inside of me, and Lord willing hold him/her in my arms in just two months.  Admittedly, at times I have wondered why we even went to the doctor in the first place to have all that heartache and pain.  And I have moments still when I begin to let my mind wander to the future and wonder if conceiving a second child will ever be possible.  But honestly, I'm so grateful for this journey.  I know that it ended the way we had hoped and prayed, and that it just as easily could have ended differently.  But what I learned in this journey, is that God is sovereign.  And He absolutely can be trusted.  He is not a God of percentages, or questionables.  He is a God of certainty.  He gets the final say.  His word is the word that creates and sustains life.

No matter what storm has settled over you, you can rest in peace, knowing that even the wind and the waves listen to His voice.  (Matthew 8:27)

Digging Deeper:
1.  What insurmountable odds have you been given?  What mountain sized words have been spoken over you that you just can't unhear?
2.  Do you believe God has the final say?  That HIS word is certain?  Think about your answer to question number one.  How does it compare to what God has to say?  Where are you tempted to believe man's word over God's word?
3.  Where are your eyes?  Are you focused on the wave that is surging and swelling all around you threatening to overtake you?  Or have you lifted your eyes to the one who controls the wind and the waves?  Keep your eyes on Him! He is faithful!
4.  What promises are you clinging to?  Remember God does not promise us babies, or a husband, or a cure, or a life of ease.  Make sure that your hope is tied to His promises, and not just your desires.  His promises are sure and unchanging.  The Bible is FULL of promises you  can cling to for your specific time of trial.  (I have found these promises helpful when in times of uncertainty.   https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/god-carried-us-with-promises )