Its Mathematical

     So last week was chaotic.  You know what I mean.  When you get half way down the road and realize your coffee mug is sitting on your table at home.  When the back seat of your car is full of clothes and fast food wrappers because you haven't been home in days.  When the hours of sleep you get each night are fewer than the number of times you hit the snooze in the morning.  Chaotic.

     Well it seems for me there's a direct inverse correlation between order in my life and time spent with Jesus:  as chaos increases, time with Jesus decreases.  It's not intentional, but it's a reality.  A reality that only seems to perpetuate my chaos. 

• Life is chaotic + no time with Jesus = Increased stress.  
• Still no time with Jesus + trying to handle increased stress on my own = Not so good at handling stress on  my own, bad idea. 
• Multiply that by forgetting that God is actually really the one in control = Feel like a failure. 
• Say/do things that I regret + no time with Jesus = Feeling like an even bigger failure.  
• Multiply that by forgetting that God is gracious and forgiving = Hard to see a way out of the downward spiral.

In short,  Jess - Jesus = Not so good.

     So yesterday morning, I finally haul myself outta bed after hitting the snooze more times than I even know and I was flying around my place trying to get out the door for work.  And as I was in the midst of this chaos I said to myself, 'all I want right now, more than anything is just to sit down and spend time with Jesus.  I miss Him.'  It was this deep deep longing.  A cry from the depths of me for Jesus.  I missed my time with Him. 

     You know what I mean, right?  We've all missed a friend, spouse or someone so much that there's just a deep yearning to be with them again.  Almost like a craving you can't shake.  I felt that.  And I felt it for Jesus.  And as soon as I felt it, I smiled.  For a moment the swirling of the chaos stopped and I felt at ease;  and I realized, it's ok.  This moment, this longing, is right where I need to be.