Since he's been sleeping long stretches at night (HALLELUJAH!), he wakes up in the morning pretty hungry. I pick him up and hold him close as I get everything situated to nurse him. It's in these moments that, predictably, he clenches his fists, closes his eyes, throws his head back and full on cries, impatiently waiting until the moment he is happily feeding.
Every morning my words are some variation of the same assurance. "Oh, my son! It's ok baby, momma's got you. Momma's gonna feed you. Momma always takes care of you. You're going to be ok baby." He latches on and begins to suckle. Gradually, his tiny fisted hands relax. He nestles in and eats of the milk that his momma made just for him- made uniquely with precisely what it is his sweet little body needs. And he eats until he is completely satisfied.
I am always surprised that he acts this way morning after morning. As if I've forgotten him. As if I don't know what it is he needs or can't give it to him. Doesn't he remember yesterday? Or the morning before that?
But then again, I can relate.
God has proven His faithfulness to me, over and over again. He's always given me precisely what it is I need at the exact time I need it. And yet, more often than I'd like to admit, I've come to Him morning after morning feeling like the night has gone on too long. I clench my fists, throw my head back and yell out to my Father, "Have you forgotten me?!"
Have you felt forgotten by the Lord? Like it's been a very long, dark night without any nourishment and you are so hungry. Maybe you're there today. You've clenched your fists and are thrashing them around in angry desperation. You've stiffened your body and thrown your head back in defiance. You've tightly closed your eyes and screamed out to the heavens- "Can't you hear me!?!"
"But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me."
Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me." Isaiah 49: 14-16
I've always been drawn to this verse in Isaiah. Before I became a mother, I could imagine that a mother couldn't forget her child. But now that I AM a nursing mother? This imagery takes on a whole new meaning. I can't imagine hearing my child cry out in hunger and "forgetting" him. After all, there's an innate drive in a mother to love and nurture her child. And beyond this, any nursing mom can attest to the fact that if you haven't fed your child in a few hours, it's quite impossible to "forget" him! (OUCH!)
I love this verse because, it's essentially saying, it would be highly unlikely for a mom to forget her nursing child, but even if she could? God can not and will not forget you! He is our Father and we are His children. His palms bear the reminder so plainly. Your walls (limitations, barriers, brokenness) are always before Him. He sees; at all times, in every season, and He loves you all the same.
He has NOT forgotten you.
This morning as I was nursing my son, I was struck with just how much I love him. I was taking in the moment when he looked up and locked eyes with me. I whispered, "Do you have any idea how much your momma loves you?".
I realized as soon as I said it that it was a silly question. There's no possible way he could understand the depths of my love for him. The lengths I would go for his good. The sacrifices I'd make to give him what he needs. I love him simply because he is my son. That is who he is and no matter what the rest of his days hold that will never change.
Every morning I hear my son's cry and I go to him. I draw him in close. I know just what he needs. I look lovingly upon his face and I offer him the nourishment he longs for and needs. I remind him once again that he is my son and that his mom has the food he needs and that I will always take care of him.
I do this in spite of the fact that his body arches and fists are flying against me. I do this in spite of his closed eyes that refuse to look back at me. I do this in spite of his cries of hunger and disgust that it's taking me so long. I do this every morning after morning. Why? Because I love him.
Don't you know your heavenly Father feels the same way towards you? He loves you more than you have the capacity to understand. Even while you're clenching your fists and screaming at Him, He is pulling you in closer. Despite your fears, frustrations, and resistance. He looks lovingly at you as His son or daughter and is right there-offering you precisely what you need. He does this morning after morning. Why? Because He loves you.
May you feel His love and nearness in the morning and may you know that no matter how long the night has been and how hungry you feel, He alone has the nourishment you need.
Drink deeply.
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!" Psalm 34:8
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